Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind—a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I think that happiness is a very over-rated thing. I think that one can be happy, but I think that it's a very shallow emotion. I think that it's a very superficial emotion. I think that it's a very temporary emotion.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The only way to be happy is to be in love. And the only way to be in love is to be in love with someone who loves you back.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

The heart is a very, very resilient organ. It's like a rubber band. It can stretch and stretch and stretch, and then it can snap back.

I'm a big believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.

Sex is a very natural thing. It's like eating. It's like breathing. It's like sleeping. It's like going to the bathroom. It's like anything else. It's a natural thing.

I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering—and it's all over much too soon.

The only difference between a good movie and a bad movie is that a good movie is a good movie and a bad movie is a bad movie.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm a neurotic. I'm a hypochondriac. I'm a pessimist. I'm a worrier. I'm a complainer. I'm a whiner. I'm a kvetch. I'm a schlemiel. I'm a schmuck. I'm a nebbish. I'm a nudnik. I'm a putz. I'm a meshuggener. I'm a yutz. I'm a yenta. I'm a yiddishe mama. I'm a yiddishe papa. I'm a yiddishe kind.

The most important thing in life is to be happy. And the second most important thing is to be able to pay for it.

I'm a big believer in therapy. I think it's a wonderful thing. I think it's a great way to get to know yourself.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.