Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Why is it that we can remember the least important things and forget the most important things?

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.

What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

I have found that the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

There is no humor in heaven.

The very first thing which a man has to do, in order to learn how to do a thing, is to learn how to unlearn it.

I wish to make a doctrine that I shall call the Law of Periodical Repetition. It will be this: The human race is a repetition, a repetition, a repetition.

Why shouldn't I be an optimist? I have nothing to lose.

The human being is a machine. An automatic machine. It does not reason. It merely acts upon the impulse of the moment.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

It is discouraging to try to penetrate a mind like yours. You ought to get it thoroughly fumigated, and then put in a new lot of furniture.