"I believe in reincarnation. In my next life, I want to be a cat. To sleep 20 hours a day and wait to be fed. To sit and lick my ass. I've always wanted to do that."

"I get no respect. I went to a costume party dressed as a ship's captain and someone asked if I was the love child of Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Rogers."

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

"I think the human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."

"Politics: 'Poly' a Latin word meaning 'many'; and 'tics' meaning 'blood-sucking creatures'."