"I had a great deal of trouble with my wife, so I got married again."

"If you don't read a newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read it, you are misinformed."

"I was born with a reading habit, and it's a good thing, because it's the only habit I've ever had that hasn't cost me money."

"I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a hell of a time in heaven."

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."