"What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? (You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork... a joke, by the way, that I heard originall…"

"I’m not a bleeding-heart liberal. I’m a pragmatic liberal."

"We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, 'I've decided I want to be cremated.' I said, 'Alright, get your coat.'"

"This machine just called me an asshole."

"In 11/22/63 when Jake asks something like, 'Well, what happens if I end up killing my grandfather?' And there's a pause and Al replies: 'Well, why the fuck would you do that?'"