"Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really."

"I was a very shy kid. I was always in my own head. I was always making up characters and doing voices."

"I just want to make people laugh. And if I can do that, then I'm happy."

"The only disability in life is a bad attitude."

"When in doubt, go for the dick joke."