Mark Twain

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.

A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Good bye. If we meet—

The human race has only one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

A man who does not read has no advantage over a man who cannot read.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a hell of a time in the next world. I'm an author of authors.

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.

The very first discovery of a truth is a discovery of a lie.

History doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but not so popular.

To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.

The human race, in its poverty, has only one really effective weapon—laughter.

The commonest ailment of the human mind is its desire to be an oracle.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'