"Being a woman is very difficult, since it consists principally of dealing with men."

"You know what's good about people? They're always trying to make things better. And you know what's bad about people? They're always trying to make things better."

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really."

"If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."