"I'm not a philosopher. I'm a comedian who thinks deeply."

"The only thing that's real is what you make it."

"“They said, 'Dave, you're the voice of the people.' And I said, 'No, I'm the voice of the voiceless.' Then they said, 'Who are the voiceless?' And I said, 'The rich white people.' And they said, 'Oh, …"

"Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He…"

"I'm not a role model. I'm a comedian. I'm here to make you laugh, not live your life."