"I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."

"I was educated in the public schools of Missouri, which were not good enough to do me any harm."

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man."