"Comedy is all about timing. And sometimes, the timing is terrible."

"Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really."

"I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample and there was an olive in it."

"The only disability in life is a bad attitude."

"Why do they call it a 'walk' when you're running?"