"I'm not a fan of political correctness. I think it's a way of shutting people up."

"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders."

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a guy who tells jokes for a living."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"I don't believe in luck. I believe in preparation. I believe in seizing opportunities. I believe in making your own luck."