"I'm not a fan of anything that requires me to interact with other human beings."

"I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist. I just happen to believe that reality is a dark, depressing, and ultimately meaningless place."

"The owners of this country know the truth: it's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a guy who tells jokes for a living."

"On Election Day, I stay home. Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years…"