"You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense, neither is this girl. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."

"The only thing I ever learned in school was that if you want to be popular, you have to be funny."

"God gave man a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to send to both at the same time."

"Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really."

"Why do they call it a 'walk' when you're running?"