"Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that."

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a guy who tells jokes for a living."

"I'm not a preacher. I'm just a guy who likes to tell people what to do."

"If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."