"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"I'm not an atheist. I'm an agnostic. I don't know if there's a God or not. And I don't care."

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a guy who tells jokes for a living."

"People who are in favor of the death penalty, I don't know why they're so upset about people getting out of jail. It's like, let's kill 'em all! Get 'em out of here! Then we'll have more room for the …"

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me!"