"I'm not a fan of anything. I'm just a guy who's trying to get through the day without pulling my hair out."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"The older I get, the more I realize that the only thing that matters is how you treat people. And most people treat people like shit."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"Here's a thought for you: What if all the people who believe in heaven and hell are both wrong? What if there's just... nothing? Imagine the look on their faces!"