I get no respect. I went to a costume party dressed as a ship's captain and someone asked if I was the love child of Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Rogers.
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"Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really."
"I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to make people laugh."
"What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong."
"If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
"I'm not a politician, I'm an entertainer."
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