It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
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"To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler and no trouble."
"Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool."
"The ass is the only animal that can't be improved by cross-breeding."
"I have never seen a dead person who looked natural."
"I was born with a reading habit, and it's a good thing, because it's the only habit I've ever had that hasn't cost me money."
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