Mark Twain

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I have opinions of my own — strong opinions — but I don't always agree with them.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

I would not live forever. Because we should not live forever. Because if we did live forever, then we would live forever.

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah didn't miss the boat.

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principle one was that they escaped teething.

I was educated once – it took me years to get over it.

I do not like to be a member of any club that would have me as a member.

I had a great deal of trouble with my wife, so I got married again.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

I am an early riser; I get up at 5 o'clock in the morning. And I work until 8 o'clock. And then I take my breakfast. And then I work until noon. And then I take my lunch. And then I work until 5 o'clock. And then I take my dinner. And then I work until 8 o'clock. And then I go to bed. And then I get up at 5 o'clock in the morning. And then I work until 8 o'clock. And then I take my breakfast. And then I work until noon. And then I take my lunch. And then I work until 5 o'clock. And then I take my dinner. And then I work until 8 o'clock. And then I go to bed.

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that aren't so.

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes.

I like a good story, but I like a true story better.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

The human race is a race of cowards.