"I'm not a fan of organized sports. I think it's a bunch of people running around in circles, chasing a ball, and then someone wins and someone loses, and then everyone goes home."

"I like it when a guy is so stupid he doesn't know he's being made fun of. That's funnier than anything."

"I'm not saying I'm better than you. I'm just saying I'm better than you at being me."

"The only good thing about the good old days is that they're gone."

"Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man... living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten special things that h…"