"I'm not a prophet. I'm just a guy who sees the future."

"I'm a collector of words. I'm a word nerd. I love words. I love how they sound, how they look, how they feel, how they taste. I love how they make me think, how they make me feel, how they make me lau…"

"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

"Here's a little poem by my friend, Jack Handy: 'I hope that after I die, people will say, 'He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was a man who loved his family.' And then, after a brief pause, 'But…"

"I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm a conspiracy realist. I believe that there are people who are conspiring to do things, and I believe that those things are usually bad."