"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

"All my best words are those that I stole from other people."

"I'm not a misanthrope. I just don't like most people."

"I'm not a fan of modern books. I think it's a bunch of people who are trying to be profound, but they're just writing about themselves."