"I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers, or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists."

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."

"I'm not a fan of modern anything. I think it's all just a bunch of people who are trying to be new, but they're just repeating the same old mistakes."

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a guy who tells jokes for a living."

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job …"