"The lady's face had all the charm of a snow shovel."

"I don't believe in writer's block. I think it's a made-up malady. I think it's a way for people to feel bad about themselves."

"The world is a scary place, but it's also a beautiful one."

"It's more blessed to give than receive, Conan."

"I make all this shit up and people pay me. It's great, you know, thank you. All right so you guys put my kids through college and I scared the shit out of you while I was doing it. It's terrific. It's…"