George Carlin — "I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"I'm not a guru. I'm just a guy who likes to give advice."

"I don't believe in destiny. I believe in hard work. I believe in perseverance. I believe in never giving up."

"I'm not a fan of political correctness. I think it's a way of shutting people up."

"I’m a modern man, digital and smoke-free; a man for the millennium. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect."