George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is and to cross it deliberately.

I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When you're born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat.

The very first things that children learn are their limitations. Before they learn anything else, they learn what they can't do.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

All my best words are those that I stole from other people.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' optimistic.

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

I'm a modern man. I'm a modern man. A man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free. A diversified multi-cultural post-modern man. I'm a man for all seasons, and I'm a man for all reasons. And I'm a man of constant sorrow, and I'm a man of constant sorrow, and I'm a man of constant sorrow. And I'm a man of constant sorrow, and I'm a man of constant sorrow, and I'm a man of constant sorrow.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that.

Here's a little poem by my friend, Jack Handy: 'I hope that after I die, people will say, 'He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was a man who loved his family.' And then, after a brief pause, 'But he was no George Carlin.'

I'm a little freaked out by the fact that I'm becoming my father. I find myself saying things like, 'Turn off the lights, I'm not paying to light the whole neighborhood!'

A lot of people say, 'Well, I'm not into politics.' Well, politics is into you.

I love it when people say, 'I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual.' That's like saying, 'I'm not a vegetarian, but I don't eat meat.'

The government is not your friend. The government is not your enemy. The government is your government.