George Carlin — "I'm not a god. I just play one on TV."

"I'm not an atheist. I'm an agnostic. I don't know if there's a God or not. And I don't care."

"If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all …"

"I'm not a paranoid, but I feel like I'm being watched. And I'm not a narcissist, but I feel like I'm being judged. And I'm not a hypochondriac, but I feel like I'm dying."

"I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours."

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is a…"