Shocking Sayings

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion...

Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.

If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

Murder. The fifth commandment. But if you think about it...if you think about it, religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. No, more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.

All you have to do is look at slavery, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the World Trade Center, and you'll see how seriously the religious folks take 'Thou Shalt Not Kill.' The more devout they are, the more they see…

The language you are about to hear… is disturbing.

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, 'Oscar, you are so mean! Isn't he kids?' 'Yeah, Oscar! You're a grouch!' It's like, 'Bitch! I live in a fucking TRASHCAN!'

You can become famous, but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous, but not unfamous.

Weed's not as bad as everything else, 'cause weed is a background substance. You know what I mean? You can smoke some herb and still function. You ain't crisp… but you'll function.