Robin Williams

I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample and there was an olive in it.

They say only two things are certain: death and taxes. I say there's three: death, taxes, and when you're in a hurry, there's always some old guy in front of you driving 20 miles under the speed limit.

I love my kids, but I wouldn't recommend them to anyone.

I get no respect. I went to a costume party dressed as a ship's captain and someone asked if I was the love child of Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Rogers.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.