Robin Williams

One day [when I relapsed] I walked into a store and saw a little bottle of Jack Daniel's. And then that voice - I call it the 'lower power' - goes, 'Hey. Just a taste. Just one.' I drank it, and there was that brief moment of 'Oh, I'm okay!' But it escalated so quickly. Within a week I was buying so many bottles I sounded like a wind chime walking down the street.

If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Being a woman is very difficult, since it consists principally of dealing with men.

The Jews have an expression: 'You want to have a short life? Marry a shiksa.'

The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

I love to drink wine. Why? Because it makes me feel fancy. I know nothing about wine. I don't even know the difference between a Beaujolais and a chardonnay. I just know that I like my wine like I like my women: ready to pass out.

I'm sorry, I don't do drug jokes anymore... I mean, why should I make drug jokes? Drugs aren't funny... I mean, look what they did to Belushi... and that's not funny... that's not funny... I mean, the guy was dead... that's not funny... That's not funny... unless you knew him.

I'm an American. I come from a country where we have the right to remain silent... we just don't have the ability.

The Irish: people who will fight you for being unhappy and then spend all night telling you how unhappy they are.

I'm not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The French are a small, warlike nation - not unlike the pygmies of Zaire, except white and with nuclear weapons.

You know, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. I'm from an entirely different solar system where we just communicate by throwing cheese at each other.

I don't do jokes about Michael Jackson anymore. I'm afraid he might come after me in his pajamas.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.