"I'm not a god. I'm just a guy who's trying to make a difference."

"I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around and say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right …"

"I don't believe in fate. I believe in choice. I believe in making your own choices, and living with the consequences."

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a guy who tells jokes for a living."

"The government is lying to you. They always have been. They always will be. And you're still falling for it."