George Carlin — "I'm not a fan of anything. I'm just a guy who's trying to get through the day wi…"

"I'm a little freaked out by the fact that I'm becoming my father. I find myself saying things like, 'Turn off the lights, I'm not paying to light the whole neighborhood!'"

"I'm not saying I'm right. I'm just saying you're wrong."

"All you have to do is look at slavery, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the World Trade Center, and you'll see how seriously the religious folks take 'Thou Shalt Not …"

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me!"