"I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a hell of a time in heaven."

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old."

"As to the Adjective: When in doubt, strike it out."

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

"My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately everybody drinks water.)"