"Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man... living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten special things that h…"

"I'm not a serial killer. I just enjoy watching people suffer."

"I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions."

"Here's a little poem by my friend, Jack Handy: 'I hope that after I die, people will say, 'He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was a man who loved his family.' And then, after a brief pause, 'But…"

"I'm not a fan of anything that requires me to get out of bed before noon."