"They say only two things are certain: death and taxes. I say there's three: death, taxes, and when you're in a hurry, there's always some old guy in front of you driving 20 miles under the speed limit…"

"The only thing that's worse than being alone is being with someone who makes you feel alone."

"I get no respect. I went to a costume party dressed as a ship's captain and someone asked if I was the love child of Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Rogers."

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"I love you, son. I love you."