George Carlin — "I'm not a god. I'm just a guy who's trying to make a difference."

"I don't believe in heaven. I don't believe in hell. I don't believe in an afterlife. I believe in this life. And I believe in making the most of it."

"I like it when a building burns down. I like to see the fire. I like to see the smoke. I like to see the destruction. I like to see the chaos."

"I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."