George Carlin — "I'm not a serial killer. I just enjoy watching people suffer."

"The owners of this country know the truth: it's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me!"

"I don't have a problem with drugs. I have a problem with people who have a problem with drugs."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"I'm not a fan of reality television. I think it's a bunch of people who are trying to be famous, and they're willing to do anything to get it."