George Carlin — "The only good thing about the good old days is that they're gone."

"The older I get, the more I realize that the only thing that matters is how you treat people. And most people treat people like shit."

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job …"

"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."

"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."

"On Election Day, I stay home. Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years…"