George Carlin — "I'm not a preacher. I'm just a guy who likes to tell people what to do."

"The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept."

"I like it when a guy is so stupid he doesn't know he's being made fun of. That's funnier than anything."

"I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work."

"I love it when people say, 'I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual.' That's like saying, 'I'm not a vegetarian, but I don't eat meat.'"