George Carlin — "The very first things that children learn are their limitations. Before they lea…"

"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by tying biscuits all over your body."

"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."

"I'm not a fan of modern movies. I think it's a bunch of people who are trying to be clever, but they're just making a lot of explosions."

"What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk."

"On Election Day, I stay home. Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years…"