Humorous Sayings

I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character.

If you want to make enemies, try to change something. To do things to-day exactly the way you did them yesterday saves thinking. It does not cost you anything. You have acquired the habit; you know the routine; you do not have to plan anything, and i…

Nothing was ever done so systematically as nothing is being done now.

I have always been among those who believed that the greatest freedom of speech was the greatest safety, because if a man is a fool, the best thing to do is to encourage him to advertise the fact by speaking.

Tact is the ability to step on a man's toes without messing up the shine on his shoes.

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

You want a friend in this city? [Washington, DC.] Get a dog!

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

I fired MacArthur because he wouldn't respect the authority of the president. I didn't fire him because he was a dumb son of a bitch, although he was.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a Republican. But I repeat myself.

Any man who has had the job I've had and didn't have a sense of humor wouldn't still be here.

I had flat eyeballs as a boy, and couldn't see well enough to play ball with the other kids. So they made me the umpire.

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

Now. listen I ate your bouquet i drank your dishwater. but damn if I'm going to eat that bug.

I do not believe in shooting anything that cannot shoot back.

My favorite animal is the mule. He has more sense than a horse. He knows when to stop eating — and when to stop working.

They are trying to make an elder statesmen of me, but they will never succeed.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Never waste a minute thinking about people you don't like.

If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom.