George Carlin — "I'm not a prophet. I'm just a guy who sees the future."

"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

"The government is lying to you. They always have been. They always will be. And you're still falling for it."

"Here's a thought for you: What if all the people who believe in heaven and hell are both wrong? What if there's just... nothing? Imagine the look on their faces!"

"I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist. I just think the world is a fucked-up place."