"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job …"

"If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything."

"I'm not a sociopath. I just don't care about other people's feelings."

"Here's a little poem by my friend, Jack Handy: 'I hope that after I die, people will say, 'He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was a man who loved his family.' And then, after a brief pause, 'But…"

"Feminists say that men are a bunch of pigs. Well, I don't know about that, but I do know that pigs are pretty smart animals. So, maybe that's a compliment?"