"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job …"

"What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk."

"I'm not a guru. I'm just a guy who likes to give advice."

"All you have to do is look at slavery, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the World Trade Center, and you'll see how seriously the religious folks take 'Thou Shalt Not …"

"I'm not a sociopath. I just don't care about other people's feelings."