George Carlin — "I'm not an icon. I'm just a guy who's done a lot of work."

"The very first things that children learn are their limitations. Before they learn anything else, they learn what they can't do."

"Feminists say that men are a bunch of pigs. Well, I don't know about that, but I do know that pigs are pretty smart animals. So, maybe that's a compliment?"

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is a…"

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

"I'm not saying I'm right. I'm just saying you're wrong."