George Carlin

I'm a collector of words. I'm a word nerd. I love words. I love how they sound, how they look, how they feel, how they taste. I love how they make me think, how they make me feel, how they make me laugh, how they make me cry. I love how they make me understand, how they make me wonder, how they make me question. I love words.

I'm not a paranoid, but I feel like I'm being watched. And I'm not a narcissist, but I feel like I'm being judged. And I'm not a hypochondriac, but I feel like I'm dying.

I don't have a problem with drugs. I have a problem with people who have a problem with drugs.

The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

I'm not saying I'm better than you. I'm just saying I'm better than you at being me.

I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist. I just happen to believe that reality is a dark, depressing, and ultimately meaningless place.

I'm not a fan of organized religion. I think it's a bunch of people who are afraid of the dark, and they're all holding hands and telling each other stories to make themselves feel better.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm a conspiracy realist. I believe that there are people who are conspiring to do things, and I believe that those things are usually bad.

I'm not a misanthrope. I'm a misanthrope-in-training. I'm working on it. I'm getting there.

I'm not saying I'm right. I'm just saying you're wrong.

I'm not a cynic. I'm a disappointed idealist.

I'm not a comedian. I'm a social critic. I'm a philosopher. I'm a poet. I'm a writer. I'm a performer. I'm an artist. I'm a human being. I'm a man. I'm a man of constant sorrow, and I'm a man of constant sorrow, and I'm a man of constant sorrow.

I'm not a hater. I'm just a disliker of things that are bad.

I'm not a guru. I'm a guy who's trying to figure things out, just like you.

I'm not a role model. I'm a warning.

I'm not an atheist. I'm an agnostic. I don't know if there's a God or not. And I don't care.

I'm not a fan of political correctness. I think it's a way of shutting people up.

I'm not a fan of organized sports. I think it's a bunch of people running around in circles, chasing a ball, and then someone wins and someone loses, and then everyone goes home.

I'm not a fan of reality television. I think it's a bunch of people who are trying to be famous, and they're willing to do anything to get it.

I'm not a fan of social media. I think it's a bunch of people who are trying to impress each other, and they're all pretending to be happy.