George Carlin

I'm not a fan of modern movies. I think it's a bunch of people who are trying to be clever, but they're just making a lot of explosions.

I'm not a fan of modern books. I think it's a bunch of people who are trying to be profound, but they're just writing about themselves.

I'm not a fan of modern anything. I think it's all just a bunch of people who are trying to be new, but they're just repeating the same old mistakes.

I'm not a fan of anything. I'm just a guy who's trying to get through the day without pulling my hair out.

I'm not a fan of anything that requires me to get out of bed before noon.

I'm not a fan of anything that requires me to wear pants.

I'm not a fan of anything that requires me to interact with other human beings.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I don’t have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.

I don’t understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I’m frightened of the old ones.

I’m a modern man, digital and smoke-free; a man for the millennium. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The very first time I got arrested, I was 20. I was with Jack Burns, a comedy partner of mine. We were arrested in a nightclub in Fort Worth, TX. We were doing a routine called 'The Indian Story' which was about the Indians getting screwed. The cops didn't like it. They said, 'You're doing communist material.'

I think I've found the one thing in life that I'm really good at, and that's being a loudmouth.

I don't have a problem with drugs. I have a problem with the police.