George Carlin — "I'm not a philosopher. I'm just a guy who thinks a lot."

"I'm not a savior. I'm just a guy who's trying to help people."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"That's why I like earthquakes. They're big. They're powerful. They're unpredictable. They don't give a shit about you. They don't give a shit about your house. They don't give a shit about your car. T…"

"I'm not a messiah. I'm just a guy who's trying to save the world."

"I'm not a comedian. I'm a social critic. I'm a philosopher. I'm a poet. I'm a writer. I'm a performer. I'm an artist. I'm a human being. I'm a man. I'm a man of constant sorrow, and I'm a man of const…"